It’s been taking me days to finally have the time to write this post. Thoughts have been flying around in my head and only up until now have I been able to actually put into words. The kids are finally in bed sleeping but just an hour ago, I was trying to go over Ryder’s homework, while Siella was whining and jumping on top of me and Gemma trying to pull the workbook out of Ryder’s hands. Just before that episode, we returned back into the city from my parents house, I wound up finding a spot on the street instead of trekking to our lot because it’s closer. I had to get the three kids out of the car in a pile of ice/snow, carry all of the bags back to our house while Gemma in a carrier and Siella screaming for four blocks straight because I woke her up and couldn’t carry her. No joke people were staring at us. And to top everything, Jason worked the entire weekend and is leaving (yet again) for three weeks. I don’t know if I am more upset that he will be gone for that long or the fact that he is missing out on Valentine’s Day and my birthday. Which leads me to the topic of how the heck do you balance it all?
My day to day regime as of late, has left me feeling like I am balancing on a tight rope! Between school pick ups, drop offs, work meetings, work deadlines, after school, and daily household chores my head is simple spinning leaving me trying to catch my breath. And I feel guilty that I am not doing enough. I lay up thinking at night that I should have the kids enrolled in more activities or have more playdates scheduled during week. I do have the help of a babysitter three days but the kids almost always request for me, so I am constantly stepping away from my work for them. Because that’s what I’m suppose to do right? The problem is I am wearing way too many hats and just cannot seem to find the right balance of it all. And I am starting to think, is there ever a balance? When people ask me what I do, it’s really a hard question for me to answer: Are you a stay at home mom? Yes, Are you a work at home mom? Yes, Do you work outside the home? Yes. So where do you find the time? And my answer is “I have no idea”. It seems that each day we are just getting by and I am questioning if this is the way it’s suppose to be. By the end of the day I am left working on my computer leaving zero downtime.
This year is really crucial for Ryder starting Kindergarten. He’s been struggling with the reading and writing aspect of it and as much as I work with him at home, I know it’s not enough so Jason and I made the decision to enroll him in a twice a week tutoring program. While I don’t want to put any type of pressure on him because learning is meant to be fun, he does need the extra help. This program requires about 15-20 minutes everyday of homework, and last week it was a battle to get this done. Trying to get alone time with him for only 15 minutes was impossible. All I keep thinking is that this is just going to get worse. As the workload piles on in the years to come, what the heck am I going to do. I still make it a point to have one on one time with the kids each week and do our special dates, but this crazy motherly guilt I have, constantly leaves me thinking like it’s just not enough.
Balancing work and raising three young children is a ton of work; especially when you have a husband that travels, and although I like to think I can do it all. I simple cannot, I’m tired, and there’s always something that takes a backseat. I plan on continuing to try and find a balance but some days are just harder than others. I want to be able to be there for my kids but also maintain my busy work schedule as well, is that even possible?
Would love to hear your thoughts….