Can’t Stop Won’t Stop

The past three months have pushed me as a parent in ways beyond my limits. I like to consider myself a strong woman, someone who never takes no for an answer, always seem to get the job done, regardless of the circumstances. That said, I’ve found myself wanting to crawl up in a ball and surrender with all the challenges, especially those Ryder has been faced with. With his issues, and trying to offer enough attention to the girls as well, it feels like I’m walking back and forth on a plank blindfolded.

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I’ve never really shared with all of you, but Ryder has been getting therapy since he was five months old. He had a flat spot on the back of his head that we were reassured would correct itself once he started to roll over. When he failed to roll at the same time as other kids in our playgroup, we decided to disregard what our pediatrician said, and sought input from a neurologist, who diagnosed him with low muscle tone. With low tone, his flat spot would only get worse, so he was required to wear a helmet for three months. Looking back, I thought it was the worst thing in the world, but to add to it, from five months through kindergarden, he received speech, physical, and occupational therapy. Up to that point, he was classified a borderline, and would probably not require services in grade school. I’ve always been super diligent about making therapy appointments, and engaging in at home excersises, with the hope that he would overcome it all, but now it seems he needs more help than ever.

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In January, the results of an educational evaluation stating that Ryder has a learning disability, including dyslexia, as well as ADD. It was recommended that we should seek medication options, which we were adamantly against. I’ve spoke to several doctors and teachers about this, and have come to the conclusion that we will refrain now, because he is still so young. We are using alternative methods such as essential oils and dietary changes. Sometimes I think I notice a difference, but other times it’s the same behavior issues. I met the sweetest person through my instagram feed, who has been a tremendous resource, for determining which combination of oil work best for his condition. Like anything, we have good days and bad days. Everyday is a rollercoaster and I never know what to expect from the morning through bedtime. I have been keeping a journal of everything he eats and the behavior that follows, to see if there any changes, but nothing seems to be computing. I’ve made it a point to dedicate every afternoon just to him, for studying, homework, and toting him to different therapists around the city. Sometimes I feel that I neglect the girls, but he needs me now more than ever.

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Another major hurdle recently introduced into the mix is eye therapy. Even though I hoped these glasses would serve as liquid gold on his eyes, he still requires vision therapy. I was told it would take a month before he could even be evaluated to get into therapy, which I refused to accept. I called everyday to see if there were any earlier openings, and finally after two weeks, I asked my pediatrician call on our behalf, which resulted an appointment the following day. I pulled him early from school for the appointment, only to be told that he was indeed a candidate for therapy, but there was a 4 month wait list. Defeated once again, I pulled his records and we just went to another doctor completely out of network, and finally, he will be starting therapy at the end of the month. Of course, I can’t help but think if I would’ve known this a month ago, he would already be well into his third week of therapy. As if this wasn’t enough, we received a letter from the principal last month advising us that he is at risk of getting held back, and I just don’t understand how all these proactive initiatives are not paying off. Sometimes, I wonder if I did nothing would we be in a better place? Is all this too much for him?

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A little light at the end of the tunnel at this point would be nice, but it seems unlikely. I’ve learned that this is something I have to accept, and I can’t change things overnight. Regardless, I can’t help but feel drained and completely defeated. As a parent, its difficult to watch your child struggle, especially while you are doing everything you can to make it better. I find myself repeating the mantra of can’t stop, won’t stop in my head on the difficult days.

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12 thoughts on “Can’t Stop Won’t Stop”

  1. I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through all of this. Parenting is tough enough, but when we get extra challenges thrown in, it can feel impossible. Janice and I have several challenges relating to ADD etc with our kids and it can be really hard.

    I love your mantra of “can’t stop, won’t stop”.

  2. You are an amazing mom and he is nothing short of amazing! Some times we have to try a few things to get to what really works. Stick with it, I wishing you both strength and bounce back-ness!

  3. I just wished I hugged you harder last night! You are definitely a strong woman & a kick ass mom. Ryder is fortunate to have you as a champion on his side. He will get better and the light will shine for you all. Keeping you guys in my prayers! xoxo

  4. I admire your honesty as a mom, it’s a trait I sometimes struggle with. I am a special education teacher, if you ever have any questions if I can’t answer them I will
    find out the answer. You are an amazing mom and your children are very lucky to have you!!

  5. I love you my friend! There are truly no limits to the strength and dedication you have for your kids. So incredibly proud of you… Xoxo

  6. Brianne you are an amazing mother and beautiful soul! Ryder is lucky to have you as his mom and you are lucky to have him as a son. I know that with you by his side he will only continue to thrive and succeed! Sending you and Ryder best wishes for continued strength! Xoxo

  7. I wish we could hug. My heart breaks for what you are going through. I can’t even imagine how you can even handle it. You are just so awesome. Ryder and the girls are so very lucky to have you Brianne. No matter the outcomes, Ryder is already ahead because his momma is always in his corner fighting for him. Take care of you too. Love from the rock!

  8. Hi Brianne,

    I have been reading your blog for a little while. We are both members of the same FB blogger group. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through with your son! Being a Mom is so hard sometimes. He is lucky to have someone so compassionate and caring looking out for him! This too shall pass! Hang in there! xo

  9. You are a great Mom, Brianne. This struggle is real and I’m sure very taxing, you are doing a great job. One of my siblings dealt with a learning disability her entire life and as a sibling, I can tell you I never felt overlooked – I knew the time my mom poured into her was important. While they can’t articulate it or possibly even understand what the family is going through, they love their brother and want whats best for him too.

    All the support and positive thoughts your way!
    Anna

  10. Your post really resonated with me because I’m the mom of a child with both ADHD and dyslexia…it is a tough combo! My advice is to just keep fighting for that guy! Make sure he has an IEP at school (are you in public?) that has accommodations to point him to success and goals to work towards. Children with Dyslexia are not helped by retention…it is not a maturity issue! (Check dys-add.com) Disabilities don’t disappear with time, but they are managed with training. Look for a specialist trained in the Wilson Method! It took 2x a week for 3 years, but my daughter reads above grade level with this intervention! She was a non-reader in 1st grade! Just stay positive and help him continue to love learning!

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