As I mentioned in previous posts, we are headed to Los Angeles for spring break. Jason will have been out there for 2 week for work, so I will be flying solo with the kids next week. I’m a nervous wreck about the impending six hour flight alone, and I have already started packing our bags, and searching for toys and activities, that will keep the kids occupied. While this trip is a vacation, I am also keeping an open mind about possibly moving out there, and I think that feeling has left me super emotional.
I can’t help but feel torn about what to do, as our family has come to this major crossroad. It’s no secret that I live, love and breath New York City, and it is my dream to raise my children here, but I have been doing it alone. Jason’s job has him traveling way too often, and it’s become taxing on all of us. He is in Los Angeles alone missing us, while I am caring for three young children alone without my partner; it just doesn’t feel right. The pros and cons of a potential relocation have pulled me in every direction. While my heart is saying yes it’s time for more, this city that holds a special place in my soul is holding me back.
I know we would all have a blast out west. We would be back to our family unit of five, which is something we all need. After our rough NY winter, we will all welcome the California sunshine with open arms. Sure, I love the changing of the seasons, but waking up to sunshine every day would be incredible. I feel the transition would be easy for the girls, since they still young. However, with Ryder, sure he would love all the time spent outdoors, but we are on such a good track with teachers, doctors, and therapists, that I am not sure we should introduce change at the moment.
While most of my thinking has been centered around the children and our family, it finally hit me that it was affecting me in a big way. Just the other day while picking Ryder up from school, one of my neighbors asked me if I was still with my husband. Of course, the comment sent a lump right to my throat, as I held back the tears and uttered that he was just home for ten days, before heading back to LA that morning. The comment left me thinking about how much I am really by myself. When Jason is away, I think I just switch into survival mode- working off lists and getting things done. I am starting to realize with the constant caring of my three little people, I am barely caring for myself. It’s just not a way to live.
In speaking with my friends and family, they all seem to rally behind California. For some reason, they say my vibe is more California than New York anyway (huh!), and they could totally see us living there. I too can picture our family there, with Jason around in the mornings and evenings, and especially the weekends. And while I picture this new life we may start, I think about the rest of my family, our incredible friends, our neighborhood, and this amazing city. It would be so hard to leave them behind. I know I can move anywhere with my job and this blog, but NYC is a major hub for my business, and that would mean leaving a piece behind and I am not sure I am ready to do that.
Hopefully after a week in California, I will have some more clarity on the situation, but as the trip approaches, I can’t even think about it without shedding tears. I feel like I’m in limbo and just wish the decision could be made for me.