As I sit hear and write this post, Ryder is in school, and both girls are simultaneously napping which is a shocker. I’ve been trying to find a moment to post so here goes. I am experiencing crazy mommy guilt right now. I remember after having Ryder, I felt so bad for my two dogs because they no longer were our center of attention anymore. But that feeling eventually faded as the kids now play with our dogs and enjoy them. And then when my second was born, I remember watching Ryder play by himself while I nursed Siella and I wept because he was all alone. But now, two of my kiddies are sitting in the same spot, playing with one another and it’s ok. I know this all comes with the territory of having a new baby, but I feel like I am not spending enough time with my older ones. I have a babysitter now two or three full days a week because I really need help doing the daily shuffle like laundry, music classes, and commute to Ryder’s school. In these two or three days, I usually have the sitter take on Ryder and Siella while I stay home with Gemma. Or I take Ryder to school while she stays home with the girls. His commute is tough to do with all three because its not a simply stroller ride away.
But yesterday broke my heart, I wanted to take Ryder to school so I can actually show face with his teacher since I feel like an absentee parent these days. I’m not use to seeing her only two to three times a week, instead of everyday like I use to. I just feel somewhat out of the loop. I wound up taking Siella along for the ride so her and I can spend some one-on-one time too. But here’s what went down..Gemma woke up right as we were about to head out, so I had to feed her, then had no time to take the train now so we hopped a taxi. We get to school, head into his cubby room, drop his stuff off then realize his class wasn’t in the usual morning playroom anymore because they moved onto art class and we were late. Ultimate parent fail. I then needed to take Ryder to the main office so that one of the secretaries can take him up to his class. Siella and I rode the train back and met up with the babysitter. I needed to pass off Siella so I can make a quick meeting in the neighborhood. And Siella screamed for an entire block because she didn’t want me to leave. It completely killed me! She loves her babysitter but doesn’t want to separate from me, ever! If I walk out the door, she starts crying. Its the worst feeling in the world. Even at nap and bedtime she insists I lay down with her and I do, but can’t stay the entire time so she usually goes to bed screaming. Then with Ryder, if the sitter picks him up at school and then takes him to his after school activities which consists of therapy three times a week for an hour and half, I dont see him till 5pm. I feel like whole day passes and I don’t see my boy because then it’s dinner, bath, and bed.
It’s funny over the last week, I keep getting comments/emails from my dear friends that I’m super mom. I’m really not, although some pictures I post with all three of my kids looking at the camera can be convincing. But the reality is, all moms are super moms, except they have invisible capes. Raising kids is hard enough but when you are out numbered, its even harder. I guess this whole juggling thing will get better; and the mommy guilt will fade because I’m doing the best I can. I just want to be able to do it all! And I’m not use to the help because I never had it..just need to learn how to embrace it more!